Up until now, at least some of what you have read in this
book may have related to you or someone you are close to.
Not very much of it has been pleasant, and maybe you are
wondering whether, as the things that have happened are so
awful and difficult, it would ever be possible to feel good
about yourself again. The answer is yes.
It is possible that you can start to feel differently about yourself and begin to feel whole again. It is not an easy ‘yes’ though. It is hard work to try and recover some of those good feelings about yourself. In a way, it is like climbing a mountain. There is strange new territory to travel through, difficulties to overcome, and a lot of energy is needed. As you climb higher there will be times when you will need to stop and rest, times when you may slip and be afraid you will fall from the mountain, times when you may feel lost, and times you wish you had never set off.
But if you keep going and reach the peak, the journey will be worthwhile. It is possible for things to be different.
It can be a hard and difficult journey if you are on your own and aren’t sure which direction to go in, or where to start. So this chapter is a bit like a map. A map to show you good places to begin and where to get what you will need for the journey. Most importantly it is about how not to be alone along the way. There are people who can help. There are also a lot of girls, boys, women, and men out there, making the same journey.
First, here is a brief look at the map and then we will look a bit closer at the separate parts.
1. Stop lying to yourself and others that it is not a problem.
2. Stop managing so ‘well’ and controlling yourself.
3. Become ‘selfish’.
4. Recognise your own ‘self-worth’.
5. Challenge your fears.
6. Get some help.
This probably sounds like a list of impossible tasks. But if you seriously want to survive the incest experience and begin to live as a whole person without continuously being eaten up by shame and anger and unhappiness, then you will have to go through with these points.
It is possible that you can start to feel differently about yourself and begin to feel whole again. It is not an easy ‘yes’ though. It is hard work to try and recover some of those good feelings about yourself. In a way, it is like climbing a mountain. There is strange new territory to travel through, difficulties to overcome, and a lot of energy is needed. As you climb higher there will be times when you will need to stop and rest, times when you may slip and be afraid you will fall from the mountain, times when you may feel lost, and times you wish you had never set off.
But if you keep going and reach the peak, the journey will be worthwhile. It is possible for things to be different.
It can be a hard and difficult journey if you are on your own and aren’t sure which direction to go in, or where to start. So this chapter is a bit like a map. A map to show you good places to begin and where to get what you will need for the journey. Most importantly it is about how not to be alone along the way. There are people who can help. There are also a lot of girls, boys, women, and men out there, making the same journey.
First, here is a brief look at the map and then we will look a bit closer at the separate parts.
1. Stop lying to yourself and others that it is not a problem.
2. Stop managing so ‘well’ and controlling yourself.
3. Become ‘selfish’.
4. Recognise your own ‘self-worth’.
5. Challenge your fears.
6. Get some help.
This probably sounds like a list of impossible tasks. But if you seriously want to survive the incest experience and begin to live as a whole person without continuously being eaten up by shame and anger and unhappiness, then you will have to go through with these points.
Stop lying to yourself
‘It isn’t that important’ - King‘It could be worse’ - Aroha
Sweeping it under the carpet isn’t only done by others, but something you probably do yourself. The first step in stopping lying to yourself is to admit that it is important, it is awful, and that even if you think he won’t do it again, the fact that he has already done it is enough.
Telling may be the hardest thing you ever have to do, but you can’t begin to heal until you do. Here are some ideas of how to go about it.
Tips for telling:
a) Your mother is going to find the news difficult. Often it is a good idea to tell some outside your family first so you have somebody to support you. Choosing a friend is a good idea, but it is also important to find an adult who can take charge if you need him/her to.
b) Choose who you tell carefully. Good people to tell are teachers, school counsellors, social workers, police, doctors and ministers. Even though you have chosen carefully, however, you can never be 100% sure that the person will be of use to you. A lot of adults want to pretend sexual abuse doesn’t happen much, or isn’t that important. A lot are very well meaning but simply don’t know what to do. If the first time doesn’t work, it is not your fault and it is important to try again, hard though that might be.
c) When you tell, you should feel listened to and understood and believed. The person should tell you you are doing the right thing by telling. The person should inform the police for you or encourage you to do it, respect your worries of the timing of that, and they should offer to stay with you while you do it. She/he should be there for you through the process, or you should get someone else to support you.
d) Other people finding out does not mean you are bringing shame on your family. It means they are getting to know about the shameful things that were already going on.
e) If it is possible for you to insist that he stop, do so, but don’t insist that he stop because you will tell. He will become upset and rejected and point out all of the times he has stood up for you and ask you how you can possibly think of doing this to him. Then you will feel bad and you won’t be able to go through with it.
He might tell you it will be the death of your mother and you will feel convinced he is right and not go through with it.
He might tell you people will know you agreed to do it with him and he knows you have been enjoying it too, and you will feel too ashamed to go through with it.
Or he might tell you you are being unreasonable and pathetic and you will start to wonder if he is right and not go through with it.
f) There will be times when you wish you hadn’t told. Times when it seems the pain and the difficulties have only been increased with no end to them, and you will wish you could take it all back. Although it is normal to feel this way, it will be worthwhile in the end.
Once you have told, it is important to keep being honest with yourself. It is often tempting to try to cover your feelings up again.
The trouble with trying to bury the pain and the hurt is that unless it’s dead, it is going to keep coming up again (‘The return of the living dead’). It is not going to work, and you will have to keep on using up your energy day after day to keep your feelings buried.
Bringing out feelings you may have hidden from yourself for a long time, is going to be painful. But you need to bring them out in the open so you can see them and do something with them – to lay them to rest. Otherwise they will haunt you like ghosts from the past.
It is possible to deal with your feelings – even the really strong ones like hate and feelings of wanting to kill him or yourself. They are scary, but you can survive them, and this is best done with a therapist.
Being a shop window
Being a shop window is different from sweeping it under the rug. It means you let yourself know how miserable you are, but to the rest of the world you present a colourful, well lit, bright display window. What is behind the window is a drab, dark, empty store. When people get near the entrance you have to push them away. They never get to see inside the store, and it never gets warmed up.Stop managing so ‘well’ and controlling yourself
This is a bit like telling yourself ‘I should be over it’ and ‘I should be getting on with life, not thinking about the past’.You have probably had to hold yourself together inside so you didn’t fall apart for a very long time. You have kept ‘the secret’ you have pretended that everything is okay, when it really hasn’t been fine and okay. But you have managed to cover that up and pretend so that nobody found out what was really going on. Maybe you did this so that people you loved wouldn’t get hurt or because it seemed you would be destroyed by revealing what was happening to you and inside you.
Whatever the reasons, you ‘managed well’ and kept the lid on the boiling pot. To get yourself out of the boiling pot means you will have to take the lid off. You are going to have to stop making sure no one finds out that you have and/or are being sexually abused. This is going to upset others as well as yourself. It is not your responsibility, however, to protect your parents. They are adults, and even though it may seem like they can’t look after themselves, it is not your job to do it. You need to look after yourself too and putting up with the pain and the ‘shame’ of the abuse isn’t doing that. It is time to stop putting up with it. It is time to stop managing so well. You owe it to yourself to take the lid off.
Become selfish
Being selfish isn’t always bad. It often just means putting yourself first. Taking time for yourself may not be easy for you. Talking to someone about yourself may feel like being selfish and you may tell yourself you don’t deserve it. Time for yourself though, is something everyone has the right to have. It is an important, healthy thing you need to give yourself. Allowing yourself to be cared for is like being a garden and being tended and watered so that you grow and flower, instead of always being the gardener and doing all the hard work.Recognise your own ‘self-worth’
How?It is like the deserving part of ‘becoming selfish’ – the part of you that has been suffering pain and shame for so long but doesn’t deserve that! You have survived and put up with so much already, really what you deserve is a rest from it. After all, you never asked for any of this to happen.
But I’m not worth anything?
There are parts of you that are valuable. Perhaps you are good at sport or maybe you are a good listener, a good friend. These are precious things to have, hang on to them. They are only the most visible parts of your valuable self, a sign pointing to what lies inside, the tip of the iceberg.
It is time you started to recognise your own value as a person. So take some time for yourself because you are worth it!
Challenge your fears
Fears are fantasies, like dreams, of what might happen. And they are usually connected with what has happened in a similar situation in the past.For instance, perhaps you were bitten by a dog when you were young. Well, probably now you are scared of big dogs because you fear that they will bite you. That is quite wise because not going anywhere near dogs will ensure you never get bitten again. You will have to work hard all your life to avoid them, but you will be safe. Sounds like a lot of effort.
Here is another example. You were sexually abused by a man, now you are going to be really wary of any man for fear that he will abuse you. That is also quite wise, after all, how can you trust any of them, when the one who was supposed to protect and care for you most took advantage of you. The trouble is, being afraid of men and having to ensure you are safe from them (and this might mean ensuring that you are never alone with a man) is going to take heaps of energy, forever.
These are just some examples of fears, perhaps you have different ones. But you know what they are, after all, they are there day after day, night after night.
Well, for things to change, you have to spend less time and energy worrying about protecting yourself from what might happen. You are going to have to meet your fears. This is going to be scary, and difficult, and you may only be able to do little bits at a time. It might be important for you not to feel alone when you do it. Having someone there you know, and can trust, will probably be necessary for you to be safe enough to ‘challenge’ your fears and find out what they are really like. And also to find out what you are like when you meet them.
You may be surprised!
Get some help
Going it alone is going to be really difficult and asking for help doesn’t mean you have failed. You will be left with a whole lot of feelings that may be impossible to sort out alone. You are going to need support, someone to share the load with, someone who knows ‘where to go next’ when you feel lost or tired. You’ll need someone to journey up your mountain with you. Get yourself a therapist or counsellor. Usually a doctor or social worker will be able to put you in touch with one, or you can find one near you by looking on the internet. It is important to find a therapist who is well qualified. Don’t be afraid to ask him or her about what their qualifications mean. You should also be able to find information about this online. It is also vital you find someone you like, who conveys they like you and with whom you feel safe.Accepting help from someone else is going to be risky, though. It means looking at painful feelings and experiences. Probably the most difficult part will be trusting someone else with those parts of yourself that you don’t feel good about, showing someone the ‘rotten’ bits. It is scary because it seems the risk is always there that they may not like you. The fear, however, is usually greater than the reality.
Even when you do get to trust your therapist the worst isn’t over. Liking someone and allowing them to be important to you can be scary, because you fear that, if you let them become too important, you will never be able to do without them.
You will need to check out your counsellor carefully and slowly, bringing out ‘little bits’ of yourself, at a rate that is not going to overwhelm you. It’s a bit like getting in at the shallow end of the swimming pool and wading deeper bit by bit, until you can swim.
Go slowly. It is going to take quite a while but it can work.
‘I used to be all screwed up like a piece of paper in the rubbish bin. I’ve gradually unfolded and although I’ll always have the creases in me, now I’m too important to ever end up in the bin again’. - Sarah
‘At times I cried and cried and it seemed too painful. But letting out the tears made a space inside of me and that meant good things could come in.’ - Tama
This plan is by no means complete, do-it-yourself, fool proof, super-duper guarantee to solve all problems. It still requires you to come up with some creative new ways to deal with your own situation. You have done that before, so you can do it again, only this time it will be a little different.
What this website is about is that there are ‘different’ ways of handling the situation. It is going to be painful and require energy. But it will lead to a whole new ending to a story which hasn’t been happy so far. The choices for this ending are really important because they are yours.
