What is "it"?
Sexual abuse is not just intercourse with your father – that is, having him put his penis in your vagina. It is also being touched in places that are uncomfortable for you – on your breasts, your vagina, or anus if you are a girl, or your penis or anus if you are a boy.It is being made to do things you don’t want to. Like having to stroke a man’s penis, or put it in your mouth or having to undress while he watches or being undressed by his eyes.
People who abuse can be fathers, stepfathers, Mum’s boyfriend, grandfathers, uncles, close ‘family friends’, brothers, teachers, priests, ministers and sports coaches. Usually it is someone who is connected with the family and has some power within it.
Sometimes females are abusers too, although this does not happen as often.
Incest is an abuse of power
Sometimes it happens by force, because he is bigger and stronger than you are, or he threatens to hurt you if you don’t cooperate.
Sometimes it happens because he uses a kind of blackmail to get you to cooperate. He might tell you how special you are and how much he needs to use you and your body. If you refuse to cooperate, he might give you a hard time for the rest of the week, or might ignore you altogether.
Sometimes it happens because he tricks you. He tells you this is what all fathers and daughters or sons do. He tells you this is ‘our little secret’ and if other people find out the secret will be spoiled.
Sometimes it happens because you are looking after someone else who is important to you. He may threaten to do it to your little sister or say he will beat up your mother. He may also lead you to believe that it’s your mother’s fault that he is needing to have sex with you. He may give you hard luck stories about her not loving him. He is likely to be very convincing, and you might believe him and agree to have sex with him so he will leave your mother in peace, or so he will stay living with her and not leave her all alone again.
Sometimes it happens because you think he loves you and it seems likely that he is the only person in the world who does. When you are feeling very needy, you are much more likely to be persuaded by his attentions. That makes it easier for him to take advantage of you and get what he wants.
The most un-talked about subject in the world
In most Western countries, 12% of girls and 8% of boys are sexually abused by the time they are 16. Some are abused by strangers, but most are abused by members of their own family or close ‘family friends’. Usually the abuse takes place in the victims own home.This means that if your class is all girls, it is likely that 3 or 4 have been abused.
This means that if your class is all boys, it is likely that 2 or 3 have been abused.
This means that if you go to a unisex school, it is likely that at least 3 of the people in your class have been abused.
If so many young people have been abused, why have you never heard anyone talk about it? There are a lot of reasons why, but here are some of the most important ones:
● A lot of people want to pretend it doesn’t exist because believing it would shatter the illusion that men always take care of us, provide for us, and protect us from harm. Believing in this illusion is what makes us feel safe.
● A lot of people want to pretend it doesn’t exist because of the fear that they might have to get involved. Getting involved might mean they would feel uncomfortable, they might have to state their opinion, and stand by it; they would run the risk of people getting angry or upset with them and they fear they would get ‘tainted’ with the messy situation.
● A lot of people have difficulty talking about bodies and sex. They either don’t talk about them at all, or make jokes, or turn sex into some kind of competition.
Why did he do it?
At first, the question seems to be, ‘why did he want to have sex with me?’ Being sexually abused, however, is not really about sex at all.The man who abused you is someone who had more ‘power’ than you. He was an adult, or at least older, bigger, stronger and more knowledgeable. Other ways of exerting power may be less violent, but are just as effective, for example, not letting the women or children have a life of their own outside the family.
Often men believe it is their right to be the ‘ruler’ in the family, not just over the children, but also over the adult females as well. One way they do this is by violent means, like beating them up. Other ways, which are less violent but just as effective, are not letting the women or children have paid jobs or contacts outside the family, not giving the family money to live on, or simply not doing any work within the family (such as not doing any chores or looking after children).
This is just an extension of how our society is built: Men at the top and women and children at the bottom. The men have been able to stay at the top for a very long time by standing on top of everyone else to stop them becoming powerful.
Traditionally, a man has had enormous power over a woman. This had included the ‘right’ to physically control her and have sex with her whenever he liked, despite what she wanted. He could tell his wife and children what to do, just as if he owned them. So a lot of men believe it is their ‘right’ to do what they want with their children, even have sex with them. IT IS NOT THEIR RIGHT THOUGH, IT NEVER HAS BEEN AND IT NEVER WILL BE.
How can a man physically and sexually abuse children and not feel guilty, bad or anything?
Often he does have these feelings, but these are too uncomfortable for him, so he either tries to ‘bury’ them, of he finds ways of justifying his actions in his own mind. Most of the time, however, he can’t allow himself to feel for others when his shaky male pride is so threatened. He is, in fact, feeling very weak himself, but one way he makes himself feel more powerful is to put down someone who is younger and weaker. He is like an eggshell that has had its insides taken out. He is fragile and likely to shatter at any moment, so he makes himself strong by shattering someone else.
He has probably never felt properly cared for, nor does he know how to care. He expects women to look after him, but has never had to look after anyone else. He has been taught, perhaps by watching his father, that it is his right to be looked after and not to have to give in return. So he can’t truly love someone else and feel for them. He believes he and his feelings are the most important and everyone else is less important.
All this is not to excuse him for the hurt and damage he has done to you. THERE IS NO EXCUSE. As an adult it is his responsibility, his alone, and he has to accept the consequences of his actions.
Why did she let him?
Maybe she doesn’t know or maybe, at times, she had her suspicions, but there are numerous reasons why she may not be able to let herself believe them, particularly if the person who abused you is her partner.If she is someone who doesn’t feel very good about herself she may need him to make her feel better. She may feel that she will ‘go under’ if she has to cope with the world alone so the only way she can stay safe is to stay with him. (This is especially likely if she has had previous marriages or relationships that have not worked out). This makes it almost impossible for her to believe it.
She is likely to feel undesirable and unwanted. Her man has chosen you instead of her. That is very hurtful. She is likely to feel extremely angry with him for rejecting her, hurting you and having secrets she wasn’t a part of.
She is likely to feel guilty. She may tell herself she should have chosen a better partner, she should have been more aware of what was happening, she shouldn’t have gone out so often, or she should have protected you better.
These feelings may overwhelm your mother and the only way she may be able to manage them is to pretend that it isn’t happening. Even if you tell her, not believing you means that she doesn’t have to believe it herself.
Glossary: Words & Their Meanings
Anus (slang words – arsehole, bum):The opening of the rectum or large intestine to the outside. Your bowel motions pass out through this hole. A man putting his penis in a man or woman’s anus is also a way of having sex (called sodomy or anal sex).
Breasts (slang words – tits, boobs, knockers):
The milk secreting organs on a woman’s chest. During puberty girls’ breasts and nipples get bigger and the dark area round the nipple areola (pronounced aree-o-la) also gets larger and darker.
Clitoris:
Pronounced clit-or-iss. The most sensitive part of a girl’s sex organs. It is about the size of a pea and pokes out of a hood of skin at the top of the vulva where the inner lips meet.
Crotch:
The area between the top of your legs including your genitals (sex organs).
Erection:
When a boy or man gets sexually excited, the muscles at the base of the shaft tighten and blood flows into the veins and not out. This makes his penis swell up and become erect.
Genitals:
Male or female sex organs. For a woman this includes the vagina and clitoris; for a man, the penis and scrotum.
Heterosexual:
A person who is sexually attracted to a person of the opposite sex.
Homosexual:
A person who is sexually attracted to a person of the same sex.
Intercourse (slang words – fucking, screwing, laying):
The technical term is coitus, pronounced coy-tuss. This is when a male puts his erect penis inside a female’s vagina. In the case of sexual abuse, this is something a man does to a girl or woman. In a loving relationship it is something men and women do with each other for enjoyment.
Masturbate (slang words – wanking, playing with yourself – jerking off – for boys):
Pronounced mass-ter-bate. Rubbing your clitoris or penis in order to get sexually excited and often to give yourself an orgasm. Masturbation can give you a good feeling. It can also make it easier for you to enjoy sex with someone else because once you know how your body responds it will be easier for you to show your sexual partner what is right for you.
Orgasm (or climax) (slang word – cuming):
You can have an orgasm either by masturbating or having sex with someone else. It is what happens when our feelings of sexual excitement build up to a high level. At the peak, the sex organs contract in a series of spasms. This is a feeling of release and enjoyment which flows through your whole body. When males reach a climax, semen comes spurting out of the hole in the tip of their penis. The penis goes limp almost immediately and their bodies get back to being relaxed.
Females can have several orgasms in a row with only a few seconds in between. When a couple are having sex together, either one or both can have an orgasm. When a man uses a girl or a woman for his own sexual needs as in sexual abuse, he is the only one who has an orgasm.
Sanitary pads:
These are usually made of absorbent cotton and have an adhesive strip so they stick to a girl’s underpants and absorb the blood when she is having a period.
Penis (slang names – cock, dick, prick):
A male sexual organ also used for urinating. The penis is made up of two parts – the head, called the glans and the long part, the shaft.
Period (slang names – monthly, rags):
The part of the menstrual cycle in which girls, after reaching the stage of puberty, bleed for two to eight days. This necessitates the wearing of tampons or pads to absorb the blood.
Scrotum (slang words – balls, sack, nuts):
Pouch which hangs down behind the penis, containing the testicles, a pair of glands which produce sperm and male sex organs.
Sexuality:
The feeling or sensation of sexual attraction you may have towards another person – the feeling of being sexually aroused without necessarily engaging in sexual activity. A sense of your own ability to become involved sexually with yourself or another person.
Tampons:
Small finger-like wads of cotton wool. They are pushed into the vagina where they expand to absorb blood flow.
Vagina:
A female’s sexual passage from the uterus to the outside. It is normally about 9cm long but can stretch both length-wise and width-wise.
