‘I've been thinking about what you said,’ said Natasha. ‘I
don’t like any men. Because…’
There were several times when she nearly stopped herself. Although the feelings had been inside her for a long time, she had never spoken the words before and they didn’t feel like hers. She didn’t want to look at Ms Latta but every now and then she would glance at her, wondering what she was thinking.
Things happened quickly after that. The police came and interviewed her and then went and interviewed her family. She hadn’t been there, but she heard her Dad had laughed and said ‘Tasha is always making up stories’. Her mother had been shocked that Natasha would say such things. After all the trouble she had put them through the last few years, this was just too much. Besides Natasha was always telling lies. She would say she’d been kept in after school when she was actually at the river smoking. She would say her friends had given her money when she’d really stolen it. With a reputation like that she couldn’t believe the police had taken Natasha seriously.
Jason, Peter and Nick had laughed and pointed out that Tasha had slept with all the local boys so they supposed it was natural for her to make out she had slept with them too. Darren had said nothing.
Natasha wasn’t sure whether the police believed her or not but it was decided not to prosecute her father and brothers. The police said there was no one to back up her story; in court there would be five people against one and even if the judge believed her it wouldn’t be possible to convict her father and brothers because of the lack of evidence.
Natasha felt furious with her family. She wanted to kill them all. She lay in bed at night making plans as to how she could do it. When she finally got to sleep, however, she often dreamt it was them who were attacking her. She would wake in the night screaming and sobbing and later would feel so angry that they were all carrying on enjoying themselves as if nothing had happened, while she felt so awful. She didn’t ever want to see any of them again.
When her mother phoned to say that Darren had hanged himself, Natasha was amazed. Why had he done it? She got into endless debates with herself. Maybe she was responsible for killing him. She had been so preoccupied planning ways to do it maybe she had actually caused it to happen. But how could she? He didn’t know what she had been thinking. People only killed themselves when they were unhappy, didn’t they? Since she left hadn’t they been happy without her?
At the funeral she didn’t want to talk to any to them. They hadn’t wanted her and she now didn’t want them. The girls’ centre was the only family she had now.
It turned out, though, that the girls centre wasn’t going to be her family either. They had been looking for a foster family placement for her. She knew girls didn’t stay on forever but finding another family seemed like a dream. She felt shattered when they announced they had. She had only just begun to fit in here. How could she begin all over again?
The staff understood her shock, but said she needed a family she could belong to for a long time, not just short term. Fitting in with the new family wasn’t easy. It meant a whole lot of changes, new rules, new ideas and new things to get used to. Natasha thought it must be hard for them as well. She couldn’t believe they really wanted her. At times she tried extremely hard to fit in and to try and please them. She kept very quiet so as not to say the wrong thing and offend anyone. She made sure everyone else got what they wanted, even though sometimes it meant she missed out.
Sometimes, when she really couldn’t believe they would want her, she would go on the run. If no one tried to find her then she would know she was right. They always did though, and soon there was no point in doing it any more.
There were times when she still felt bad, but she had made good friends at her new school, and there were a lot of good times in her new family as well. She also attended a group with other teenagers who had been sexually abused.
To begin with she felt like chucking it in. Being there was like opening up stab wounds. That was really painful and she thought she might bleed to death.
The group was led by two therapists, a woman and a man. Tasha felt secure with the woman but she made sure she never sat near the man. She hated him from the moment she walked in. At times she felt so angry with him she wanted to leave early or to not go at all because she feared she might punch him in the face.
As the weeks went by, however, she started to feel very puzzled by him. He hadn’t tried to take advantage of anyone in the group. She had been constantly rude to him and although he had sometimes got angry, he hadn’t tried to hit or hurt her. Sometimes he even said things that made her think he really understood. At first she thought he was pretending and that made her hate him more than ever but after a while she started to think maybe he really did understand.
She didn’t believe she could ever like him, but when the group ended she found she didn’t want to say goodbye to him. Saying goodbye to the group was awful. She was so sad it had ended but she knew she didn’t need it anymore. At first she hadn’t trusted the others in the group but gradually they had shared a lot about themselves. It had been wonderful finding others who knew what she had been through and were able to really understand. Even though she wouldn’t see them in the group again she knew they would remain friends.
Opening the wounds had let them heal. It had taken time and she knew the scars were still there. Now, though, she could go for days, or even weeks, without ever being aware of them.
There were several times when she nearly stopped herself. Although the feelings had been inside her for a long time, she had never spoken the words before and they didn’t feel like hers. She didn’t want to look at Ms Latta but every now and then she would glance at her, wondering what she was thinking.
Things happened quickly after that. The police came and interviewed her and then went and interviewed her family. She hadn’t been there, but she heard her Dad had laughed and said ‘Tasha is always making up stories’. Her mother had been shocked that Natasha would say such things. After all the trouble she had put them through the last few years, this was just too much. Besides Natasha was always telling lies. She would say she’d been kept in after school when she was actually at the river smoking. She would say her friends had given her money when she’d really stolen it. With a reputation like that she couldn’t believe the police had taken Natasha seriously.
Jason, Peter and Nick had laughed and pointed out that Tasha had slept with all the local boys so they supposed it was natural for her to make out she had slept with them too. Darren had said nothing.
Natasha wasn’t sure whether the police believed her or not but it was decided not to prosecute her father and brothers. The police said there was no one to back up her story; in court there would be five people against one and even if the judge believed her it wouldn’t be possible to convict her father and brothers because of the lack of evidence.
Natasha felt furious with her family. She wanted to kill them all. She lay in bed at night making plans as to how she could do it. When she finally got to sleep, however, she often dreamt it was them who were attacking her. She would wake in the night screaming and sobbing and later would feel so angry that they were all carrying on enjoying themselves as if nothing had happened, while she felt so awful. She didn’t ever want to see any of them again.
When her mother phoned to say that Darren had hanged himself, Natasha was amazed. Why had he done it? She got into endless debates with herself. Maybe she was responsible for killing him. She had been so preoccupied planning ways to do it maybe she had actually caused it to happen. But how could she? He didn’t know what she had been thinking. People only killed themselves when they were unhappy, didn’t they? Since she left hadn’t they been happy without her?
At the funeral she didn’t want to talk to any to them. They hadn’t wanted her and she now didn’t want them. The girls’ centre was the only family she had now.
It turned out, though, that the girls centre wasn’t going to be her family either. They had been looking for a foster family placement for her. She knew girls didn’t stay on forever but finding another family seemed like a dream. She felt shattered when they announced they had. She had only just begun to fit in here. How could she begin all over again?
The staff understood her shock, but said she needed a family she could belong to for a long time, not just short term. Fitting in with the new family wasn’t easy. It meant a whole lot of changes, new rules, new ideas and new things to get used to. Natasha thought it must be hard for them as well. She couldn’t believe they really wanted her. At times she tried extremely hard to fit in and to try and please them. She kept very quiet so as not to say the wrong thing and offend anyone. She made sure everyone else got what they wanted, even though sometimes it meant she missed out.
Sometimes, when she really couldn’t believe they would want her, she would go on the run. If no one tried to find her then she would know she was right. They always did though, and soon there was no point in doing it any more.
There were times when she still felt bad, but she had made good friends at her new school, and there were a lot of good times in her new family as well. She also attended a group with other teenagers who had been sexually abused.
To begin with she felt like chucking it in. Being there was like opening up stab wounds. That was really painful and she thought she might bleed to death.
The group was led by two therapists, a woman and a man. Tasha felt secure with the woman but she made sure she never sat near the man. She hated him from the moment she walked in. At times she felt so angry with him she wanted to leave early or to not go at all because she feared she might punch him in the face.
As the weeks went by, however, she started to feel very puzzled by him. He hadn’t tried to take advantage of anyone in the group. She had been constantly rude to him and although he had sometimes got angry, he hadn’t tried to hit or hurt her. Sometimes he even said things that made her think he really understood. At first she thought he was pretending and that made her hate him more than ever but after a while she started to think maybe he really did understand.
She didn’t believe she could ever like him, but when the group ended she found she didn’t want to say goodbye to him. Saying goodbye to the group was awful. She was so sad it had ended but she knew she didn’t need it anymore. At first she hadn’t trusted the others in the group but gradually they had shared a lot about themselves. It had been wonderful finding others who knew what she had been through and were able to really understand. Even though she wouldn’t see them in the group again she knew they would remain friends.
Opening the wounds had let them heal. It had taken time and she knew the scars were still there. Now, though, she could go for days, or even weeks, without ever being aware of them.
You helped Tash find a way through her story.
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