‘I was close,’ said Natasha. ‘Too close.’
For weeks she had felt nothing. She had not laughed or smiled even when visitors tried to cheer her up. She had never been angry, even when Jason had bumped her dislocated shoulder or when the nurse had managed to turn her arm into a pin cushion in her attempts to find a vein. She had not felt sad, even when the rest of the ward had shed buckets of tears watching a heart-wrenching film on TV. Even when she had heard about the permanent back injury she hadn’t cried.
She was quite unprepared for what happened next.
She had no sooner spoken the words than tears poured down her face and her whole body was taken over by huge racking sobs. In the next few hours she told the psychiatrist what had happened with her Dad and her brothers. She talked about the pain, the revulsion, the disgust, the anger, and the hurt. Afterwards she felt exhausted. It was like spending months in a dark, silent room and suddenly being flooded with light and sound and movement.
She had barely had time for her heartbeat to return to normal when a policewoman arrived wanting a statement from her. Tasha felt too wrung out to start all over again but Dr Carmichael said she would help, so Tasha agreed. The policewoman was pleased because they needed information from her right away. They planned to interview the members of the family before they had any idea she had told. They felt it would be hard for Tasha to keep the secret the next time the family visited if they didn’t deal with it right away.
The police interviewed all Natasha’s family separately. She didn’t hear what happened immediately, but later it became clear that they had accused her of lying and been really angry with her.
Dr Carmichael suggested they all meet together to sort out the different versions of what had happened. The family were reluctant to come but eventually they turned up, dragging their feet, stony faced and strangely silent. They quickly exchanged the silence for anger, fired in sharp bursts towards Tasha, leaving her wounded and immobilised.
Dr Carmichael tried to get all the family members to talk about themselves and how they got on together, but the family seized every opportunity to return to Tasha and her failings. They went on and on about how she was always in trouble at school (‘When she was there, that was’) and how awful her friends were. They couldn’t imagine what Natasha saw in them. They dragged everything up – the drinking, the drugs, the stealing, the sex with local boys, going to the girls’ centre. They went on and on about how much they’d tried to help and how awful it had been to have her away from home. There was nothing they could do though. They knew the doctor would understand that there were limits to what parents could tolerate. She could see for herself how irresponsible Tasha was. She wouldn’t be top to toe in plaster if she was reliable and trustworthy.
Natasha retreated to her ‘dark silent room’. She knew Dr Carmichael had tried to stick up for her but afterwards when she came to talk to her alone she wished she would go away. She wanted to stay in her ‘dark silent room’.
‘Forget it,’ she said.
Dr Carmichael said she couldn’t forget it. Natasha’s father and brothers had broken the law. Their abusing Natasha had had a major effect on her life. It wasn’t something either of them could forget.
However, after discussions with the police, it was decided not to prosecute. No one could back up Natasha’s story and in court there would be five people against one. Even if the judge believed her it wouldn’t be possible to convict her father and brothers because of the lack of evidence.
Dr Carmichael emphasised that this didn’t mean she thought Tasha was lying. It was just that she felt putting Tasha through all the trauma of criminal court proceedings would be really difficult if there was only a slim chance of winning.
One thing was clear though. Natasha couldn’t live at home again. It was important she live somewhere where she could be safe. For this to happen, Natasha still did have to go to court. Not the Criminal Court, but the Family Court. A social worker spoke on her behalf. She asked that Social Welfare be made responsible for Tasha since her parents had not been able to keep her safe. The judge agreed to this, and when she came out of hospital, Natasha went to live in a foster home. Trying to be a part of a new family is difficult and a lot can go wrong.
The staff understood her shock, but said she needed a family she could belong to for a long time, not just short term.
Fitting in with the new family wasn’t easy. It meant a whole lot of changes, new rules, new ideas and new things to get used to. Natasha thought it must be hard for them as well. She couldn’t believe they really wanted her. At times she tried extremely hard to fit in and to try and please them. She kept very quiet so as not to say the wrong thing and offend anyone. She made sure everyone else got what they wanted, even though sometimes it meant she missed out.
Sometimes, when she really couldn’t believe they would want her, she would go on the run. If no one tried to find her then she would know she was right. They always did though, and soon there was no point in doing it any more.
There were times when she still felt bad, but she had made good friends at her new school, and there were a lot of good times in her new family as well. She also attended a group with other teenagers who had been sexually abused.
To begin with she felt like chucking it in. Being there was like opening up stab wounds. That was really painful and she thought she might bleed to death.
The group was led by two therapists, a woman and a man. Tasha felt secure with the woman but she made sure she never sat near the man. She hated him from the moment she walked in. At times she felt so angry with him she wanted to leave early or to not go at all because she feared she might punch him in the face.
As the weeks went by, however, she started to feel very puzzled by him. He hadn’t tried to take advantage of anyone in the group. She had been constantly rude to him and although he had sometimes got angry, he hadn’t tried to hit or hurt her. Sometimes he even said things that made her think he really understood. At first she thought he was pretending and that made her hate him more than ever but after a while she started to think maybe he really did understand.
She didn’t believe she could ever like him, but when the group ended she found she didn’t want to say goodbye to him. Saying goodbye to the group was awful. She was so sad it had ended but she knew she didn’t need it anymore. At first she hadn’t trusted the others in the group but gradually they had shared a lot about themselves. It had been wonderful finding others who knew what she had been through and were able to really understand. Even though she wouldn’t see them in the group again she knew they would remain friends.
Opening the wounds had let them heal. It had taken time and she knew the scars were still there. Now, though, she could go for days, or even weeks, without ever being aware of them.
For weeks she had felt nothing. She had not laughed or smiled even when visitors tried to cheer her up. She had never been angry, even when Jason had bumped her dislocated shoulder or when the nurse had managed to turn her arm into a pin cushion in her attempts to find a vein. She had not felt sad, even when the rest of the ward had shed buckets of tears watching a heart-wrenching film on TV. Even when she had heard about the permanent back injury she hadn’t cried.
She was quite unprepared for what happened next.
She had no sooner spoken the words than tears poured down her face and her whole body was taken over by huge racking sobs. In the next few hours she told the psychiatrist what had happened with her Dad and her brothers. She talked about the pain, the revulsion, the disgust, the anger, and the hurt. Afterwards she felt exhausted. It was like spending months in a dark, silent room and suddenly being flooded with light and sound and movement.
She had barely had time for her heartbeat to return to normal when a policewoman arrived wanting a statement from her. Tasha felt too wrung out to start all over again but Dr Carmichael said she would help, so Tasha agreed. The policewoman was pleased because they needed information from her right away. They planned to interview the members of the family before they had any idea she had told. They felt it would be hard for Tasha to keep the secret the next time the family visited if they didn’t deal with it right away.
The police interviewed all Natasha’s family separately. She didn’t hear what happened immediately, but later it became clear that they had accused her of lying and been really angry with her.
Dr Carmichael suggested they all meet together to sort out the different versions of what had happened. The family were reluctant to come but eventually they turned up, dragging their feet, stony faced and strangely silent. They quickly exchanged the silence for anger, fired in sharp bursts towards Tasha, leaving her wounded and immobilised.
Dr Carmichael tried to get all the family members to talk about themselves and how they got on together, but the family seized every opportunity to return to Tasha and her failings. They went on and on about how she was always in trouble at school (‘When she was there, that was’) and how awful her friends were. They couldn’t imagine what Natasha saw in them. They dragged everything up – the drinking, the drugs, the stealing, the sex with local boys, going to the girls’ centre. They went on and on about how much they’d tried to help and how awful it had been to have her away from home. There was nothing they could do though. They knew the doctor would understand that there were limits to what parents could tolerate. She could see for herself how irresponsible Tasha was. She wouldn’t be top to toe in plaster if she was reliable and trustworthy.
Natasha retreated to her ‘dark silent room’. She knew Dr Carmichael had tried to stick up for her but afterwards when she came to talk to her alone she wished she would go away. She wanted to stay in her ‘dark silent room’.
‘Forget it,’ she said.
Dr Carmichael said she couldn’t forget it. Natasha’s father and brothers had broken the law. Their abusing Natasha had had a major effect on her life. It wasn’t something either of them could forget.
However, after discussions with the police, it was decided not to prosecute. No one could back up Natasha’s story and in court there would be five people against one. Even if the judge believed her it wouldn’t be possible to convict her father and brothers because of the lack of evidence.
Dr Carmichael emphasised that this didn’t mean she thought Tasha was lying. It was just that she felt putting Tasha through all the trauma of criminal court proceedings would be really difficult if there was only a slim chance of winning.
One thing was clear though. Natasha couldn’t live at home again. It was important she live somewhere where she could be safe. For this to happen, Natasha still did have to go to court. Not the Criminal Court, but the Family Court. A social worker spoke on her behalf. She asked that Social Welfare be made responsible for Tasha since her parents had not been able to keep her safe. The judge agreed to this, and when she came out of hospital, Natasha went to live in a foster home. Trying to be a part of a new family is difficult and a lot can go wrong.
The staff understood her shock, but said she needed a family she could belong to for a long time, not just short term.
Fitting in with the new family wasn’t easy. It meant a whole lot of changes, new rules, new ideas and new things to get used to. Natasha thought it must be hard for them as well. She couldn’t believe they really wanted her. At times she tried extremely hard to fit in and to try and please them. She kept very quiet so as not to say the wrong thing and offend anyone. She made sure everyone else got what they wanted, even though sometimes it meant she missed out.
Sometimes, when she really couldn’t believe they would want her, she would go on the run. If no one tried to find her then she would know she was right. They always did though, and soon there was no point in doing it any more.
There were times when she still felt bad, but she had made good friends at her new school, and there were a lot of good times in her new family as well. She also attended a group with other teenagers who had been sexually abused.
To begin with she felt like chucking it in. Being there was like opening up stab wounds. That was really painful and she thought she might bleed to death.
The group was led by two therapists, a woman and a man. Tasha felt secure with the woman but she made sure she never sat near the man. She hated him from the moment she walked in. At times she felt so angry with him she wanted to leave early or to not go at all because she feared she might punch him in the face.
As the weeks went by, however, she started to feel very puzzled by him. He hadn’t tried to take advantage of anyone in the group. She had been constantly rude to him and although he had sometimes got angry, he hadn’t tried to hit or hurt her. Sometimes he even said things that made her think he really understood. At first she thought he was pretending and that made her hate him more than ever but after a while she started to think maybe he really did understand.
She didn’t believe she could ever like him, but when the group ended she found she didn’t want to say goodbye to him. Saying goodbye to the group was awful. She was so sad it had ended but she knew she didn’t need it anymore. At first she hadn’t trusted the others in the group but gradually they had shared a lot about themselves. It had been wonderful finding others who knew what she had been through and were able to really understand. Even though she wouldn’t see them in the group again she knew they would remain friends.
Opening the wounds had let them heal. It had taken time and she knew the scars were still there. Now, though, she could go for days, or even weeks, without ever being aware of them.
You helped Tash find a way through his story.
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